Posted 10/02/06: (From Chuck Mull)

>A group of American retired teachers recently went to France on a
> tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, was part of the tour
> group.
>
> At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
> carry on.
>
> "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs Officer asked
> sarcastically.
>
> Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
>
> "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
>
> The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show
> it."
>
> "Impossible!" barked the officer. "Americans always have to show their
> passports on arrival in France."
>
> The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
>
> Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach
> on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
> Frenchmen to show it to.
>

---

 

Posted 3/15/06: (From Chuck Mull)

 **Airline cabin announcements***  
   
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1.   On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2.   On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3.   On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have.

4.   "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane"

5.   "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6.    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7.    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8.    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised."

9.    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."

10.    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11.    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."

12.    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses."

13.     And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14.    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in 
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15.    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16.    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

17.     An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18.    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

19.    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20.    Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21.    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine.

---

Posted 8/06/03: (From Chuck Mull)

A  woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.  She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault.

---

Posted 10/30/02: (From Chuck Mull)

 Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
 Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.  He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront
 the druggist and demand an apology.
 Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, now,
 just a minute, listen to my side of it.  This morning the alarm failed to go
 off, so I was late getting up.  I went without breakfast and hurried out
to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car
 keys inside.  I had to break a window to get my keys.
 Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
 Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
 When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me
 to open up.  I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
 He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
 register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
 I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was
still ringing.  When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which
 made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
 it half of them hit the floor and broke.  Meanwhile, the phone is still
 ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.  It was your
 wife.  She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.  And believe me
 Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

---

 

Posted 10/21/02: (From Skip Orem)

Subject: Don't miss the obvious


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert, set up their tent and
were soon fast asleep. Some hours later,  the Lone Ranger woke his faithful
Indian friend.

"Tonto," the Lone Ranger said, "look up at the sky and tell me what you
see."

 "Me see millions of stars," Tonto responded.

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto pondered the question for a moment. "Astronomically speaking, it tells

me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions  of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all powerful and we are small & insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it
tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Tonto, you Dumb
Ass, someone has stolen our tent!"

---

Posted 9/16/02: (From Chuck Mull)

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a
a large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables,

 horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

 The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when 

it was

 built.

 One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,

as he

 hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared

the

 pond, he

 heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer

he

 saw it

 was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

 He made the women aware of his presence and they all

 went to the deep end of the pond.

 One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out

until you

 leave!"

 The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you

ladies

 swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

 "I only came to feed the alligators."

 Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and

skill.

---

 

Posted 9/04/02: (From Dick Powell - State Mottos)

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It
Yet
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Florida: Where Your Vote Counts....Sometimes Twice!!!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes.... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce The "S"
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes.... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,
And Very Little Else
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, YouHave The Right To
An Attorney...
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Oregon: Spotted Owl.... It's What's For Dinner
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Tennessee: The Educashun State
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Vermont: Yep
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Washington D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     West Virginia: One Big Happy Family.... Really!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese.
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Wyoming: Where Men Are Men.... And The Sheep Are Nervous!

---

Posted 9/04/02: (From Chuck Mull)

> Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
> kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
>
> He asked for help and she could see why.
> Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't
> want to go on.
>
> Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She
> almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
> feet," She looked and sure enough, they were.
> It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
> She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots
> back on-this time on the right feet.
>
> He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
>
> She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
> didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to
> help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they
> got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made
> me wear 'em."
>
> Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the
> grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
> Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
>
> He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots...."
>
> Her trial starts next month.

---

Posted 8/25/02: (From Chuck Mull)

Subject: Why Computers Sometimes Crash According to Dr. Seuss